First, thank you for sharing your story. I can sense that it was perhaps difficult to share or write.
I think all too many times we may view the lack of physical behavior such as leaving identifiable marks, bruises, cuts, or intimidating circumstances to substitute as a caring manner. The fact remains of the advantageous circumstance over a child that perhaps may or may not leave a mental impression on him. We are only bloggers here and not professional counselors and may have different stories or advocate for others. The message here begins with “what do I want to do differently today to advocate or allow others to advocate towards my success?” That initial step begins with surrendering and allowing a professional to help guide you in an honest approach and method.
Second, I would suggest seeking you can spend time doing something productive like walking, exercise, volunteering cleaning at an animal shelter, planing a garden, or something to preoccupy your mind. Lastly, attempt with every strength to learn from your mistake and become the better person by moving forward. Stop attempting to dream about how to refix or amend the situation. It is in the past and the key is to move forward. Being labeled or identified by the courts is one thing. But attempting to rise above it takes a while to get used to where you reestablish your credibility. Trust me, it won’t happen overnight. It takes time. Don’t dwell on the words and labels. Try to be sanguine because every tomorrow is not reliving the past.