Reply To: Troubling consequences of federal child pornography laws

#12003

Jeff

I too am in this situation. I received a call that my house had been broken into and that I needed to come home to figure out what exactly was missing. I told them I was at work but would try to be there in half an hour. They told me to hurry because they wouldn’t be there all day and to call the number they called me from if they weren’t there so they could get an inventory of everything that was missing. I lived in a fairly safe area and didn’t often lock my door so it wasn’t really a surprised that I had been broken into, especially since I recently broke up with a girl who had an addiction to drugs and always had traffic coming in and out of my place until I got her into rehab. By the way, my influence helped her. She has stayed clean now for 4 months and has a full time job as of this writing. Anyway, I came home and they immediately approached me telling me that they were there conducting a search warrant of the premises and had found cp on my computer. They then told me that I didn’t look surprised to find out that information and preceded to ask me if there was anyone else who had used my computer in the last few weeks. I told them my ex girlfriend had and immediately regretted it because they told me “we’ll have to have a talk with her”. I knew she was having a lot of legal trouble due to her addiction and had temporarily lost custody of her kid. I also knew that if I didn’t come clean and tell them everything that I would be getting her involved, not only causing me embarrassment, but also causing her to possibly never get her child back. She was making good head way and I thought this would damage all possibility of that so I decided at that point to come clean. So when they asked me to come in for questioning I came in and sang for them like a pretty little cooperative parrot. They arrested me after questioning and placed me in county jail for holding until my first court appearance. At the court house was where I met my court appointed lawyer because I could not afford one. They released me on electronic monitoring the next day. Let me tell you that I am guilty of downloading it. But I have never touched a child. I have never wanted to touch a child. I am a victim of sexual abuse once at the age of 6 years old which I remember vividly and several times from the age of 8 until about the age of 10. I have had a nightly masturbation routine since the age of 6 because of the abuse. It actually helped me fall asleep because I always had bad dreams if I didn’t do it. The abuse stopped when my family and I moved to a new city at the age of 10. Then I was introduced to pornography which became somewhat of an outlet for me . Then, when I turned 20 I discovered the dark side of the Internet i felt connected to it kinda. I didn’t feel alone anymore. That is why I looked at it. That is why I downloaded and watched it. I deleted it when I found happiness in a relationship. Then the relationship went sour. She left me and I started to watch porn again which ultimately led me back to the dark side again. Please don’t misunderstand though, I never wanted to do anything that I saw happen to those kids to any kids at all and I wish it had never happened to me. It was an outlet and that is all. Getting back to the story, they released me awaiting trial on bond. I was told by my probation officer that I had to tell my boss the situation that was in process and upon hearing my charges I was fired immediately, though I didn’t have a job where I was often around children. His explanation was that he didn’t want me around if his grandfather kids decided to show up for work. Upon this information I went home to commit suicide. My mom came over because she hadn’t heard from me and discovered me. They put me in a mental hospital for a couple weeks where I got better drugs, I was already taking anti depressants, and some limited therapy and they released me where I was back to reporting to my probation officer and awaiting trial or something. My lawyer has a plea bargain of 60 months that he wants me to take. It makes me want to kill myself that much more. I’m not, have never been, and will never be a danger to children, but because of this everyone does and will believe that I am. I am highly educated, very kind and generous, and ultimately a good person, but I am not perfect. No one is. I wish I could turn back the clock on a lot of my life but I can’t. Now I have to deal with the consequences. Or just quit all together. That’s the easy way but I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I also don’t want to hurt anyone with this case. It will hurt my family too. I just don’t know what to do. Its all very confusing and I have difficulty finding any information or anyone to talk to. I can feel my therapist judging me when I talk to her. It feels like she is insinuating that I am a sick pervert. I don’t know what to do at this point. I guess I’ll figure it out as time seeps through the looking glass. Any advice would be a great help. I could deal with 3 years, but 5 seems like too much. Thanks for reading my babble.