Jacob, as many other gifted writers before him, turns to humor, farce and satire to deal with a very serious issue.
Part II: An emergency declaration to stop the ongoing spread of COVID-19
WHEREAS the older population, those 55 years of age or older, make up 12.9% of the U.S. population; and
WHEREAS COVID-19, better known as the Coronavirus, has become a worldwide pandemic; and
WHEREAS COVID-19 is spread through societal contact; and
WHEREAS the elderly are at the greatest risk of contracting and succumbing to the COVID-19 disease; and
WHEREAS it is the responsibility of our government to protect the safety of its citizens, especially the more vulnerable populations;
THEREFORE, by power granted to me through various channels, I hereby declare the following:
1) All individuals testing positive for COVID-19 must register their names, home and work addresses, vehicle descriptions, and other pertinent information with the government in order to track their whereabouts as needed; and
2) Any individual testing positive for COVID-19 shall not reside, loiter, travel, or visit any area within 2,000 feet of any hair or nail spa or salon, barbershop, bingo parlor, casino, bar, liquor store, golf course, church or synagogue, “gentlemen’s” club, residential or assisted living facility, nursing home, or any other area where the elderly population are known to congregate; and
3) The purpose of this declaration is to stop the spread of COVID-19; it is not intended to be punitive but only regulatory; and
4) Any person violating this declaration shall be held in custody until he or she is no longer deemed a threat to public safety as determined by three physicians, the Center for Disease Control, and the federal and state governments.
Declared this 21st day of March, 2020.